Enjoy

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator," he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

A brain walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer please." The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you." "Why not?" askes the brain. "You're already out of your head."


A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.

Mom: Lets review your math son. Son: Sure mom. Mom: If I give you an apple and Daddy gives you another one, what's the answer? Son: Thank you very much!

Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat? Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals! Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question? Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000." "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000." "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad." "Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

A woman hears from her doctor that she has only half a year to live. The doctor advises her to marry an economist and to live in South Dakota. The woman asks: will this cure my illness? The doctor replies: No, but the half year will seem pretty long.

Friendship is like peeing in your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

A Panda walked into a restaurant, orders a sandwich and began eating. After finish eating, it took out a gun, shoots at the waiter and leaves the restaurant. Why did the panda do that? Because Panda eat shoots and leaves.(lame yea I know)

Guy A: My brother got kicked out of the navy. Guy B: That's terrible. What did he do? Guy A: He was in a submarine and he liked to sleep with the windows open.

The manager of a large office saw a new guy one day and told him to come into his office. " what's your name?" was what the manager asked the new guy. "John" he said. The manager gave John his standard lecture ..."Look, I don't know what kind of little wimpy place you came from, but around here I only call people by their last name- Smith, Jones, Davids, etc. I'm Mr. Lawson. Now that we got that settled tell me your last name. "Darling, my name is John Darling." "Ok, John, the next thing I have to tell you is..."

The teacher of the school geography class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked: "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?" After a confused silence, little Johnny volunteered - "I guess you'd be eating alone!"